4 great lessons from therapy that empowered me
This topic can be a little difficult for me to write, but I think with recent years, I observed that brands and influencers are normalising mental health day by day. I’d like to really share my great lessons I’ve learnt from 2 years of therapy. Many still think going for therapy is a big stigma or taboo and immediately label you as problematic, but the truth is, I believe that everyone should give therapy a try at least once.
I started going to therapy consistently in 2021 when the pandemic hit because I was pretty emotionally unstable most of the time, always anxious , low self-worth issues, and very lost in my career path. In order to break the unhealthy cycle of self sabotaging, I decided to do the inner work to give therapy a try in June 2021, not expecting anything, I told my therapist that my only goal is to be confident. Little did I know, I found out most of my behaviors and negative core beliefs were results of my unhealed wounds from my past.
My therapist practices CBT, ACT, and self-compassion with most of my practices. I used to go for my sessions once in 2 weeks, then I reduced it to once a month. In 2022, I learnt how to handle difficult situations myself and I will know myself much better, hence I will check in with my therapist once every 3 months. If I have to be honest, going for therapy is a big investment for me in my 20s, it has been a beautiful journey for me to face my fears and also to learn how to make peace with my past. Here are 4 beautiful lessons that really made me a better person.
1. Set goals with core values
Before therapy, I feel that my life was really rocky and it's always clouded with indecisive and negative thoughts. My therapist mentioned that the real reason why I’m constantly derailed in my career path is really because I never really set a direction according to my own desired core values.
Example: Your dream is to be an artist, but your limiting beliefs tell you that you cannot be an artist due to the stereotype of you cannot make money as an artist (which is BS to me now cause I really think I’m living my best life as an independent illustrator), hence you take a “safe office job” that you dislike and sulk about how crappy your life is.
Making decisions without following your core values can actually not bring us fulfilment then it leads us to resent the mistakes we made. After therapy, I started to pick career goals that really aligned with my values, and things seemed to work out really well! Besides career, I started to pick my social cycle according to my values instead of trying very hard to fit in. By anchoring yourself with your strong values, you will eventually learn how to set boundaries, set a fulfilling life direction, and set action plans that will meet your needs consistently.
2. Sit with your feelings and validate them
Have you ever been told that you are sensitive or you are being too much?
Once, I realised I constantly beat myself up just because I feel like I’m an emotional burden to my circle around me. Eventually, I tend to find unhealthy coping mechanisms such as procrastinating or being extremely busy with work to pacify my feelings. Triggering thoughts from unpleasant experiences can also make me feel like I’m not enough. Hence, I asked my therapist how I can move forward from this cycle.
With CBT, I have learnt that our negative thoughts are not exactly reality, they are formed from assumptions, behaviors, actions and unhealthy core beliefs. When you learn how to sit with these unpleasant feelings, you learn how to see things in a gray area and remind yourself that not everything you assume is going to be bad, sometimes these worrying thoughts could also try to warn you of potential threats that most likely won’t happen. It's just unhealthy habits that are created in our mind. Which is why it's important to learn how to reframe our negativity with alternative thoughts, acknowledge what is the meaning behind these thoughts or even learn how to validate them with self-affirmation.
To me, the way I sit with my feelings is also pouring my heart out when I journal. I would be vulnerable and grieve over the things that didn’t work out, and learn how to soothe my wounded past with a lot of self-compassion and self affirmation. Then I will write a letter to my inner child telling her that she is really strong and I really am thankful for her that she never gives up. When you learn how to sit with your feelings, you will learn how to be your own friend.
3. Forgive your mistakes with compassion
One of the darkest periods of my life was when I had difficulties moving on because I was feeling vengeful, bitter, and resentful towards people that have hurt me in my life, or even myself for making mistakes that are not according to my values. In one of my sessions, I have learnt that self-forgiveness is beneficial for your well-being
Self-forgiveness isn’t really about you letting go and forgetting things, it's not a sign of weakness. Forgiving yourself is more like accepting what has happened and being compassionate towards yourself. Frankly, forgiveness is not the easiest action to do because we human beings prefer to dwell on hurtful situations and be swallowed up by your own bitterness and sense of injustice. However if you are unforgiving for a long term, you might be so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t even enjoy the present.
Forgiveness takes time and commitment to work on it. To me, I find that to move on from my suffering, it's important to first acknowledge my emotions and understand why this anger and sadness leads to pain. Slowly, you will identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven, eventually you will learn how to move away from your role as a victim and let go of the unpleasant situation.
Truthfully, you may encounter times that seem to forgive a situation. Because forgiveness can really be challenging and oftentimes you might find yourself getting uncomfortable. What my therapist taught me is also that when things become really out of your control, we are encouraged to practice radical acceptance. To accept that this situation has happened, and we cannot time travel back to the past to change everything, what we can do to move forward is to learn how to treat ourselves and others with empathy and respect. For me, it was really difficult for me to forgive myself that I was pickpocketed because I was distracted and I wasn’t being mindful with my belongings. When my phone was lost, my data and photos were not backed up so they were all gone. I blamed myself and got riled up at myself, but I realized that I shouldn’t beat myself up since this pickpocket is not even within my control. I allow myself to experience remorse, make meaningful changes (aka use a sling bag and fanny pack), and to practice compassion to move forward.
The moment you choose kindness and forgiveness, you will find compassion and understanding to yourself. And also remember that, forgive doesn’t mean it's to forget the unpleasant experience.
4. Grounding with internal locus of control
Have you heard of the saying, “when you are depressed, you are stuck in the past, when you are anxious, you are stuck in the future”
For me, there are things that cannot be in my control that really disrupted my peace of mind such as how the pandemic affects the economy, the natural disasters, the recent inflation, clients' negative comments that seem to be too vague, other people’s projected actions and feelings, and how others treat you. Figuring out what's going to be the next narrative in life and even people’s problems is going to make things exhausting, hence, the only thing you can control is your thoughts and behaviors.
The future, like the past, isn't in your control. You can be a crazy planner and put together a five-year plan ( this is also a sign of being a perfectionist which is unhealthy) , or hoping there’s a roadmap to everything. But, truth is, there's bound to be at least one thing that happens that wasn't on your itinerary. (Because frankly, we can seriously never be ready for anything). The reason why we want to control everything it's because we all need to feel competent, consistent, survive, and to be safe. So what can we really do to give us peace of mind and be more present?
I have learned that in order to be grounded with the present, is really to acknowledge what’s within my control, to set intrinsic motivation with self-awareness, and remind ourselves that we have choices! Here’s an example
External focus: The instagram algorithm is forcing everyone to make reels to be noticed. I feel exhausted that my followers are not growing and my work is not noticed. I feel hopeless, why should I even try?
This situation is familiar, right? This is what most of us artists struggled in our daily life especially with the fast-paced moving trends on social media, we focus on what’s out of our control
So here’s how you can be grounded with a more mindful internal locus of control.
Internal focus: I cannot control the social media algorithm because it's not within my control. What I can do is find interesting ways to promote my art with my skill sets, to polish my skills with enthusiasm and even pick up some new content creations skills. I can even upcycle my videos to TikTok. I make things happen! (Add a self affirmation to make it empowering)
The moment you start focusing on what’s within your control, your outcome within your control is determined by your hard work and decisions instead of “fate” or Friendly tip, I find if you start using empowering words like “I can” “I I make things happen” that’s when you take control with your own actions and learn how to live a more present life.
That’s all for my 4 life-changing therapy skills that I have picked up and I hope they inspired you! Besides therapy, I have also cultivated new hobbies to enhance my mental health such as light exercising, eating healthier food, reading books, journaling, and also surround myself with a healthy cycle. But what makes me different from who I was before therapy is, I am able to be my own friend and I’m totally content with myself.
I understand therapy may not be everyone as well, but what I can say is building a trusting relationship with your therapist is also important to make a change in your life. It takes me a lot of time and patience to be able to open up to my therapist! I’d also wanna add that the purpose of therapy isn’t exactly to heal your scars because in my opinion, I don’t think human beings can ever be healed, but we will always be healing if we choose to prioritize our well-being and show up for ourselves consistently.
Note: I’m not a mental health professional, these are just my personal experiences on how therapy has shaped my life to be more empowered. If you think you need help, do not hesitate to reach out.
Happy mental health day and I hope you find strength to prioritize your well-being
